The Scars (Mini-Essay #8)

Ten things about lupus life and trauma recovery

This is part of a series about living with lupus and trauma recovery. I hope those of you with chronic illness or struggling with your mental health might feel less alone as you read these. This is also written for those who want to care, but need an insider’s perspective to help you develop compassion and empathy.

7. Accepting scars.

I have a lot of new scars. There are five little ones from my recent appendectomy. One of these is a hard knot. I often find myself mindlessly rubbing it while falling asleep. That is weird. Then the big c-section slice is still numb and it frequently itches. I know that is abnormal, but I chalk up the nerve damage to the unique circumstances of Kai’s delivery, staples, and the extensive lymphedemic swelling of my abdomen.

But the scars that affect me the most are on my legs. Sure, there are many new stretch marks on my belly, but I had stretch marks before and this isn’t uncommon among women. But on my thighs? The purple-read skin ripples and bags. There are a few scattered hairs that grow between the ripped-flesh. It looks like a burn victim’s skin. When my hand rubs across my thighs they feel like tire treads. I can ignore this in shorts, but I have to talk myself into a swimsuit.

When the texture of my flesh freaks me out, and I remember when my skin screamed as it grew centimeters each day, I try to focus on something my cousin stated (with the authority that only comes from living through a story or two herself).

These scars are also proof of the precious little one I delivered. They show me that I‘ve survived a time or two (+).

I’m not ready to take pride in my ugly scars—right now they’re still memorials of fear and loss. But they are complicated. And in that complexity I am trying to weave in the truth that they are evidence of the resilience formed within me. They are a dialectic, as they are also beautiful. Their ridges whisper of miracles.

• Read the rest of this series:

  • Waves, Breakers and Red Helicopters

  • Please Don't Simplify the Complexities (Mini-Essay #1)

  • Pharmacy (Mini-Essay #2)

  • PTSD Et Al. (Mini-Essay #3)

  • Not-So-Friendly Insomnia (Mini-Essay #4)

  • Phantom Pain (Mini-Essay #5)

  • Hello, Hair! (Mini-Essay #6)

  • Homebody (Mini-Essay #7)

  • The Scars (Mini-Essay #8)

  • Betrayal (Mini-Essay #9)

  • Grief for a Lost Year (Mini-Essay #10)

• Here are other lupus/trauma related posts from the last year-and-a-half:House of Life, Washing Hands, Do Your Job Well, and the Lupus, Pregnancy, and Autoimmune Illness series posted at AverageAdvocate.com.

• On Average Advocate this week: Receiving Kindness When You Rather Give It

• Follow me on Instagram @AuthenticallyElisa