Betrayal (Mini-Essay #9)
Ten things about lupus life and trauma recovery
This is part of a series about living with lupus and trauma recovery. I hope those of you with chronic illness or struggling with your mental health might feel less alone as you read these. This is also written for those who want to care, but need an insider’s perspective to help you develop compassion and empathy.
(Scroll to the end for other posts in the series)
Body betrayal.
Do you ever feel angry at your body? Not at the you, contained within it, but furious at the external shell? I think this is a common experience for people with chronic illness.
I often feel betrayed by my body. I never really realized how much my body and I are part of each other until mine started falling apart and I couldn't just shed it like a skin and leave it behind.
My therapist asked, “Elisa, what part of your body can you see as good? What works the way it should?”
“Nothing. Nothing does, nothing has. Every system has been affected. Every joint and muscle has hurt me!”
“What about your hands? Can you see them as good? Don’t they take care of you and your family?”
“Definitely not my hands! They are some of the worst betrayers! They ache every night. I can't straighten my fingers, sometimes I feel like they’re claws. They burn or are numb. They shake so badly I can't even write and I can barely type. I cannot trust my body for it has betrayed me. I've betrayed me.”
Thankfully that last part—my shaking hands—has resolved, I just can't take selfies without them being a little blurry. (I know, the world suffers a great loss). Either way, living in a body you view as your enemy doesn't simplify life.
Around the same time I had that conversation with my therapist, another survivor told me that having a face washing routine really helped her. I've never done anything like that, and always felt it was kinda over the top and maybe even self-absorbed. But I still respected those who managed to follow this type of routine every night. What discipline and care!
I didn’t see how it could help me whole feelings of body betrayal, but I wanted to give it a shot. And, with the challenge of my therapist, I also didn’t require myself to state positive affirmations I felt were fake at the time while I was washing my face. Statements like, “your body is good, Elisa.” I only tried to be present and non-judgmental of my betraying body.
I just acknowledged the heat of the water and texture of the apricot scrub on my face, while breathing in its scent. I enjoyed the softness of the towel. I gently patted my face with a conditioner and rubbed in a night cream. At first it was hard, but it was also calming; stilling. And to my surprise, a few weeks in, I found myself thinking,
“Wow, I enjoy the sensation of the water as it rinses off my face. It feels refreshing; I’m alive.”
“Even when everything else isn’t going well, I can still wash my face. It feels good.”
And then slowly it became, “I deserve to be cared for by my hands like this and this is good.”
Now, sometimes I find myself looking at my hands and flesh and find myself thinking, “I am good; my body is good,” as I reiterate what God declared as he marveled at his own creation.
Often I still find myself feeling angry and betrayed by my broken lupus body. But I
Yes, my body has betrayed me—but it didn’t mean to. It needs grace and care, just as I do because she is me.
Read the rest of this series:
Please Don't Simplify the Complexities (Mini-Essay #1)
Pharmacy (Mini-Essay #2)
PTSD Et Al. (Mini-Essay #3)
Not-So-Friendly Insomnia (Mini-Essay #4)
Phantom Pain (Mini-Essay #5)
Hello, Hair! (Mini-Essay #6)
Homebody (Mini-Essay #7)
The Scars (Mini-Essay #8)
Betrayal (Mini-Essay #9)
Grief for a Lost Year (Mini-Essay #10)
Here are other lupus/trauma related posts from the last year-and-a-half:House of Life, Washing Hands, Do Your Job Well, and the Lupus, Pregnancy, and Autoimmune Illness series posted at AverageAdvocate.com.
On Average Advocate this week: Receiving Kindness When You Rather Give It
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