Reimagining Theology On Purpose
My burnout backstory, failing systems Pt.2, and the freeing path of alignment
For much of my life, I knew exactly what I wanted to do—I wanted to change the world! It was going well, at least on the outside. Internally, though? Not so much.
Hello, Mission!
I still can feel the tides of turquoise water as it would suck the fabric of my sarong around my hips. I had a fuchsia one that I wore almost daily in a beach village in Fiji. It was also my apron, dish towel, and oven mitt. I must have left it behind in the Pacific Islands doing international missions work. After I left, I continued forward in the vein of ministry and humanitarian work. A few years later I even returned to college to study cultural anthropology, leaning into social issues and community development.
Within a couple years I had founded and was leading two different anti-trafficking organizations. I also worked on staff at a church, was a volunteer coordinator for a needs network, and led various ministries and mentoring groups.
This was far too much—especially for a mostly unpaid full-time volunteer, who was also trying to run a household, have a decent marriage, and raise kids. I could diverge right now and talk about unpaid work, and how my perspective as a submissive Christian woman played a huge role in how I’d committed to pouring out my everything.
But today I want to talk about other significant contributors–theology about purpose, identity, and the systems we use to live these out.
***To conclude my book launch, I am sharing an article about each of these two new books. Although this article isn’t about Life Mapping, its the backstory and context of its inception***
The Unplanned Life
This week was a typical week with kids in which life doesn’t go as planned. This time no one was sick—although molasses months of illness, one family member at a time, has pretty much been our norm for this entire school year.
Instead, this week it was ‘different’ because my husband ended up going on a last minute trip. I also was ‘unexpectedly’ triggered in new ways, which required significant time, emotional energy, and a therapy session to seek God for healing and get unstuck. And the childcare got cancelled (both the preschool and then the backup babysitter arrangement). Oh, and my toddler found and dropped a large florescent light tube at his feet, sending up a plume of toxicity that he inhaled, resulting in a call to poison control and with him mostly losing his voice. Although the smidgens of glass were a pain to clean up, I’m grateful he was only minimally cut.
But are these things really unexpected or different? Nearly always something goes off course. System breakdown just might be the norm.
Encroaching Burnout
It turns out that “changing the world” wasn’t a very specific purpose statement. In addition, in my twenties I chased this vague goal in a scattered, unsustainable way that left little room for reflection. I was so consumed by what I wanted to accomplish on behalf of God that I never paused to consider who I actually wanted to be—the person who God designed me to be—let alone if I was becoming this woman in the most life-giving and wisely stewarding way possible.
For years, I battled with overwhelm and the creeping symptoms of burnout. My passion for doing good and my commitment to advocacy began to strain my most important relationships—with God, my family, and my community. It took years of hard lessons, a move across the country, a year sabbatical, and learning my limits to shift course.
Purposed For God
What went wrong? Looking back, I now see how my pursuit of purpose was deeply tied to a misunderstanding of my identity. The theology I believed was at the root of this. I was driven to please God in a way that sacrificed all of me.
When I was a child, I grew up in a home that served the Church, served in missions, and practiced justice work (even if they didn’t call it that). People were honored in my community because of how they served.
I was discipled into pouring myself out from an early age. Of course I’d lay down my life in love, isn’t that what God commanded us?
"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends." (John 15:13, NIV)
When I became an adult, I leaned into this. I went to schools that taught me that my purpose was to tell the ends of the earth about the gospel of Jesus. I was supposed to live like a conscripted soldier, giving up everything and expecting to live off of nearly nothing for the cause of Christ. I could quote Matthew 28:18-21 at the drop of a hat about my mission. I had a radical faith that was determined to multiply other believers for their Kingdom purpose, too.
But my theology about my purpose didn't end there.
Here's Some Identity
I also distinctly remember one teacher who lectured that I was created to be the replacement for the third of God’s worship team who fell from heaven following their head worship leader. Therefore, I was designed to replace Satan and his minions. I better not get prideful. And I better sing loudly. (I did.)
My identity became everything that would help me live my life in ministry for God: I was a servant, a worshiper, a soldier, an evangelist, a teacher, a missionary, etc…
This was the theology I was taught, implicitly and explicitly. And to an extent, I still believe much of this. But it doesn’t stand alone; this theology misses something vital.
Theology on Purpose
It is vital that our theology about our purpose looks like God’s actual design for our purpose.
I kept staring at the above phrase as soon as I typed it into the header, “Theology on Purpose,” wondering why it sounded so familiar. Feeling like a dunce, it took me a beat to remember! Theology on Purpose is the name of the podcast I was supposed to record for this week with my good writer friend,
.At least it was, until the babysitter cancelled. Which then reminded me of everything that went skewed this week, into the chaos, where my system failed.
It was an obvious reminder that purpose and our systems often chase each other in circles, like a dog chases its tail. Or maybe the relationship between these two is more like the debate about which came first, the chicken or the egg. We wonder if the order actually matters. But in this case the order really does, as do our beliefs about them.
Systems That Fail Us Pt.2
Last year I wrote The Systems That Fail Us: Order Pt.1—about our nervous systems and anxiety that can make us feel crazy when things don’t go as planned. But there it's more than just anxiety and PTSD making us feel crazy.
Much of my general life energy is spent on creating systems that keep my family sustainable and thriving—budgets, doctors appointments, Sabbath days, work time, meal planning, routines. It is a lot of work. But as depicted by this snapshot of my week, these are so fragile.
It can be nearly intolerable to waste significant effort on something doomed to fail in the first place. Isn't insanity repeating the same thing and expecting it to change?
Getting Into the Bottom of Our Beliefs
More than a few of my coaching clients really struggle with this, too:
Is it worth it to make an “ideal week schedule” when 1/2 of it will go out the window?
Why bother with systems that won’t stay consistent?
Why do preventive care or budgeting when the results can’t be controlled?
These seem like realistic concerns on the surface. But the inability to connect to a system is inevitably tied to deeper beliefs.
Some of these mindsets might be about our own abilities to manage a system and implement new organizational methods. I get this—believe it or not, I am not a naturally organized person. Everything I do has had to be learned.
But the other beliefs that pop-up? These are usually connected to our purpose, many of which I’ve also shared:
How can I tell that family “no”, when I am supposed to love my neighbor? Why bother meal planning when there are people to pour into for GREATER KINGDOM IMPACT? How can I prioritize these aspects of stewardship when there are so many more world-changing important things to do? And so many urgent needs knocking at the door? How can I prioritize time to relax when I am supposed to replace the freakin’ 24-hour-a-day worshiping angels?
And they are all valid questions.
Relating to God
Soon after I turned thirty, we had to rapidly resettle from the East Coast to the West Coast. At the halfway point of the trip I was sitting on a beach in Galveston, Texas. A used condom was floating in the water where my kids were playing. A dog had just peed on my back. I was desperately sad already, but it took that strange set of circumstance for everything to click into place:
I am grieving. And I am burnt-out. I can’t live the way I have anymore. We need a life-giving home, some plan to meet the chaos. I need to figure out how to be present for my family, not perform for approval, and learn how to methodize and steward my life better because everything is out of control and unintentional. And I actually am unable to say “yes” to everything that changes the world for greater kingdom impact, which means I need to figure out what to say “no” to. And then how to actually do that.
Most of all, I need to learn how to relate to God differently, and figure out who he has made me to be. This hasn't been working.
It was my breaking point. Or at least my turning point.
Reimagining the Way I Relate to God
My come to Jesus moment on a beach in Texas was predicated by reexamining my theology around purpose. Soon before our move, I was on maternity leave from my volunteer job as an executive director after my third baby was born. By then it was obvious that my well-being and home life was suffering.
I will forever thank God that he intervened before I totally destroyed myself for his Kingdom. My cousin, Frousin, shared with me a book she’d been learning from: With: Reimagining the Way You Relate to God by Skye Jethani.
I discovered there are many other ways I dabbled in relating to God that were also missing something. I am not meant to live life under God (legalism), over God (assumption), or from God (demand). But the parts of the book I found myself rereading over and over were about the "For God,” being "on mission" posture of relating to God.
My New Theology About Purpose
I sat down for lunch with my best friend at the time, a church planter, and began quizzing her on what she thought her purpose was. And it blew my mind to discover that she didn’t believe her life purpose was to sacrifice herself.
I even found my old notes in my red journal from that teacher from my school of worship. Where in the Bible did it say that I was a replacement for the one-third of angels who fell again? Oh, wait—the Bible doesn’t actually say that?
Guess what I had been missing? Namely, that I am not just a body to be served on the altar (although I can also easily quote Romans 12:1-2 for you). And my purpose isn’t just to love God and love my neighbor, like you see on every-other community church’s billboard.
What was missing from that equation is that I am also designed to be loved by God. In fact, I am created to be loved by God first. And not like I used to believe God loved me—he gave it all so I must immediately jump into action and give it all.
I had a hard time grasping that relationship with God is not transactional, as if I am a purchased prostitute to gain something from. This type of love is like good sex: presence, soaking, delight, intimacy, fulfilling, willing, and full of hope for a future together, without force or demand.
It isn’t my response to God that determines my worth, nor is my value based on what good things I do in God’s name. Yes, often God might want to work with me for his Kingdom expansion, but more like I partner with my husband, dreaming of a good future together. God doesn’t need me to change the world for him, he just wants relationship. (Oh, I still have such a hard time saying this as I believed otherwise for so long).
Above all else, my purpose is to be loved and live with God—a truth that has revolutionized everything.
Radically Rooting
Remember how I said the order matters?
I am a firm believer that we will shirk our callings, have unfulfilled lives, be forever stressed out, and our only legacy we’ll build is kindling-like straw houses until we understand our purpose is born out of the identity of being beloved of God.
Aligning with this became my radical pursuit as I resettled into a life on the West Coast nearly ten years ago. I needed to put roots into this identity, from which I could walk into purpose with God. This was finally worthy enough of a cause to prioritize and protect.
For the first time ever I found meaning in creating systems–even though they would fail at times–that would enable me to empower me to stay rooted to this.
The Life Mapping Workbook
For years I had to be extremely intentional to practice rest, make boundaries, and determine my “best yes” in each season. God met me in this, transforming my life and the way I practiced “changing the world,” “with God” instead of “for God.” Based on other coaching tools, I developed Life Mapping as a method to guide me to realign. It is something I still use.
This is why I published The Life Mapping Workbook—to help others also align with their identity and purpose, then learn how to make goals and systems, too.
When I Have Something To Fall Back On
I’m going to honest, as we juggled things around for my husbands last minute trip this week, I struggled. But it was knowing my belovedness and having a system that pulled me back to myself and the purpose I live with God:
The hike on my schedule, where I could fight it out with God and by the end of it, soak in his creation, pulled me back to my belovedness.
The co-working writer’s group on my schedule gave me the community and encouragement I needed to realign me with the work I’m called to when I was emotionally off.
The therapy session I had scheduled helped me work through some deeper issues that came up.
A few days later, I had a similar experience when I had to text my friend to tell her that not only did preschool cancel, but so did the babysitter. Our interview (and the writing time I had after) had to be rescheduled.
After pouting about my system failing, feeling the disappointment, and spending some time with God to surrender the plans I had for new ones, I had a predetermined purpose and system to fall back on:
My son’s routine has us going outside to play at this time
Soak in the sun’s rays and bask in being loved enough to just be okay with not accomplishing anything, because my worth isn’t in what I produce
While he is exploring, call the “people of peace” who are my priority to invest in right now
None of this fixed the systems that were broken. But that isn’t the point. There is no system that can stand up to the chaos of life. They are all simply experiments designed to serve us–us, not them. However, they matter, because when they do function, they empower us to live in our identity and purpose.
The New Way
Reimagining the way I relate to God as his beloved has freed me. My theology about purpose has been repaired, leading me to a transformed way of doing life in my beliefs, identity, and even systems.
This is what I’ve learned: Living a life of purpose, and even “changing the world” isn’t based on producing outcomes to please God. It can be more sustainable, life-giving, and aligned with who God has uniquely designed us to be. We can discover the joy of working together with God this way!
And we can put systems in their rightful place–not as intimidating tools to avoid distractions from our real purpose, nor as ways to ineffectually control the chaos. Instead, we can see them as meaningful gifts to empower us to stay connected to our purpose of being loved and working with God.
It has been nearly a decade since my pivot-point on that gross beach in Galveston, between one way of life and the next. But this journey of aligning will last a lifetime. I only hope that if you aren’t on this path already, you will join us in discovering the freedom of a life lived alongside God, too.
Pieces of this came from this article on Patheos: How Christians Living On Mission Can Protect Against Burnout
March - Final Giveaway: Thank You For Your Help!
It’s been a lot, but it is the last official week of my book launch for Justice-Minded Kids and The Life Mapping Workbook! My only goal is to get this to people who they’d help and I can’t do that alone.
Can you leave a sentence about one thing you’ve appreciated, learned, or been challenged by in one or both of these books on either Amazon.com or Goodreads?
Can you post a picture of one of my books or a picture of you don’t one of the activities and tagging me?
Can you share a quote from one of these books? This is the last month of giveaways! The week of the 24th-31st we’re going all in! Can you help?
⏩ Choose one item to do from my launch list! (The rest of the rules to this giveaway are found there, too.) Winner chosen at random at the end of March! This month is all about women for women’s month, including:
Amber earrings from refugees via Love Anyway Shop
Canvas bag with quote, “And off she went to change the world”
Framed quote art created just for us by Danielle Ferrin @ Fun Places Design
Books about women around the world: I Am Malala and Half the Sky
“Make a difference” sticker pack
Pura Vida bracelet
Mexican tile from San Diego
“Votes for Women” cards highlighting women in the suffrage movement
⏩ ENTER HERE
My pastor at my church has been focusing on this particular point in his sermons for months now!