Last week I saw an update on Facebook that shook me a little bit. I’m more of an Instagram girl, but I still log into Facebook. I do this mostly to not miss posts like these. This one was written by the wife of the account owner, informing us that her husband—one of my mentors—had passed away. I had already written most of this article on guides, but this lit a small fire under me to share it before it is too late.
Live a life worth imitating
“Live a life worth imitating” is a mantra we frequently return to in the Mentorship Circle and this is why. Howard Levine influenced me greatly, not because he was one of my official leaders, but because I modeled him. I had access to his life to see how he did this, as we started an anti-trafficking nonprofit together and later, I partnered with him to pull together a county-wide collective that fed local food-insecure kids through schools. He was around when a best friend and work partner disappeared from my life. Ultimately, I imitated him a lot—in keeping meeting notes, learning to network better, and uplifting those I was releasing to use their own gifts. His guidance was foundational in how I led in organizational structures.
The hero’s journey
In storytelling, the “hero’s journey” always gives the protagonist a guide. Luke has Yoda, Harry has Dumbledore, and Moana has her grandma. For a few years in Virginia, Howard was one of mine as my life mimicked this literary trope.
Howard pulled a group together to research the issue of human trafficking in the area, and then design a tentative plan. Kicking, I was sucked into this research/planning group, but made a swift exit as soon as we finished our commission. Only after that research sat in a dusty folder for over nine months did it become something.
In a happenstance meeting I remember as clear as day, I curiously asked Howard what was being built with all the groundwork we laboriously laid. He informed me that nothing was, that it was dead without leadership. But he didn't end there. He challenged little ol’ me to rise up and take the lead, “If you don’t, Elisa, no one else will. You’re it.” Just like that, the trajectory of my life was changed.
Apostles are needed too
Howard affirmed my calling. He was the only person I had ever heard use the term “apostolic” not just to describe a missionary, nor just a label for one of those an imposing men in the Pentecostal world that goes from church to church, owning the stage. Others believe that the term only applies to the ancient founders, like Peter or Paul. Or they might assume being apostolic is just for men, never noticing the verse about the outstanding apostle, Junia, who Paul mentions in Romans 16:8. But in my experience, most Christians shrug when they hear this term—there is a major lack of awareness, interest, or models for having an apostolic gift.
Howard was the exception. He would equip people who he saw this gift in—both officially through his ministry, and in cases like mine. I was confident I was called by God, but had no clue how to do that outside the space of global missions. I have evidence that I was overlooked or judged by leaders because I wasn’t male. And other times I wondered if I was. I was never at home in the roles offered to me in church—children’s ministry or women’s Bible studies.
But Howard saw who I was. He was the first person that opened my eyes to a truth—that I have a pioneer gifting, sent to gaps that are obvious to me, but strangely aren’t to others. Some of the characteristics are being a starter, collecting others around a vision, recognizing others’ potential, and wanting to raise them into leadership.
Howard gave me a new message. I wasn’t bad because I had no desire to serve in the church nursery or develop something long-term after I started it. I was given a unique grace from God! And like all of God’s gifts, it was good and needed!
How would our world be different if those of us who are apostolic were recognized for who we are? And then equipped and encouraged to use our gifts?
Being seen
Let’s go further—what happens for any of us if we are seen? If someone recognizes our giftings and affirms them? If any of us are encouraged and equipped? Humans often move into the identity that others expect of them. When we are given messages of hope and purpose, we move towards that vision.
The reason we want to be seen by others isn’t because we need to be perfectly known, but rather, we yearn to be called into our identity, to become who we are designed by God to be!
Oh, let’s start calling out one another’s identities! We can do this! It is vital to becoming a good guide—seeing and acting towards others not in how they are today, but as if they already are who they are becoming.
(Reader, if you didn’t notice, I’m trying to pass on a vision of being a good guide to you!)
Daniel of ancient times
Recently, I’ve been writing about emotional and spiritual wellbeing. What do these types of guides look like?
I wonder if Daniel would have been a good guide. Daniel was a captive in ancient Babylon, where, ironically he was placed in the government to lead. He was also a prophet who had some unwanted, terrifying visions. He lived a long time and was faithful to his God among people that weren’t his. Although he had a few radical experiences (ex. lions’ den), I always felt like Daniel never had significant resolution.
There are a few ways I’ve tried to become like Daniel. For one, Daniel wasn’t hindered by people-pleasing, which I find impressive. He also named his anxiety when it was really affecting him rather than pretending it wasn’t there. The first time I noticed how affected he was by his dreams I remember thinking, “Whoa, we are allowed to be negatively affected by our experiences?” (Now it seems unsurprising, just another way that I thought I had to always wear a happy face as a good Christian.)
My favorite thing about Daniel, though, is how he regularly paused to pray through his day. My old kids’ Bibles always depicted a white man with a fluffy beard kneeling on the floor. Maybe this was how Daniel prayed, but as he wasn’t a white guy, its possible they might have gotten the kneeling part wrong, too. When I stop to pray throughout my day, it changes my life. My midday prayer is often intertwined with marveling at palm fronds swaying in the breeze or sneaking away for breathe prayers in the dark of my room.
Good guides and poor spiritual guides
I’ve known more than a few people like Daniel in my life—people of profound faith. They approach all aspects of wellbeing through a spiritual lens. They might not have language or tools to talk about aspects of wellbeing or mental health, but they are acutely aware of how deeply we are intertwined.
These people can still be great shepherds.
More often though, the countless people I’ve known through my faith communities haven’t really been pursuing their wellbeing beyond the basic element of absolution. They aren’t transformed—their faith is only religion and knowledge.
Or it is divided, as if circles of wellbeing are ripped apart, where only the spiritual matters and the pursuit of emotional wellbeing is always cast-out as demonic if dubbed as “mental health.” The unspoken words are that the body doesn’t matter at all, either. After all, we will be getting a new one in heaven someday. This perspective leans and them falls into Gnosticism.
These people don’t make good guides to wholeness, even if they are your leaders.
The guiding frousin
There is a certain type of influence held by someone one step ahead of you, but still very close to you. For me, that has been my dearest friend and cousin, Brittany. She has played a vital role in guiding me on my journey towards wholeness. She’d give me tools to start with; I would seek out more. I’d practice joy with her and we’d talk about belonging.
Brittany and I became counter-cultural, valuing rest. She went through crises, and I’d follow her in my own, stubbornly digging my hooves in the mud behind her. I learned how to suffer well following in her footsteps.
She knows my grief. She sees me and calls out my identity. She has also challenged me more times than I can count, but so graciously I am not even sure these challenges were intended as such. (She is also responsible for the cringy term of endearment, Frousin, who I still love her for to this day.)
As I’ve written here at Authentically Elisa this year, unsaid, Brittany is intertwined in every post, because she has been such an essential guide in my spiritual and emotional wellbeing. Frousin, your ripple effect continues, to my family, those I’ve led in in the Mentorship Circles, coached or pastored, and now on to others we’ve collectively influenced. I am forever grateful for your guidance in my life! Thank you.
Thanks before you can’t thanks
I didn’t even realize how significant Howard’s impact on my life was until a few years ago, after I had moved from the East Coast to the West. By then, we had lost our relationship. We might send an occasional brief message here and there in response to what one of us was doing. I didn’t have an issue with him, and I assumed he didn’t with me. Still, I held back a little because of his proximity to an organization we co-labored in. I was informed that some leaders we worked with had something against me. I wished I had checked in about it, but I was highly encouraged not to by people who were not good guides (something I discovered too late).
I feel happy for Howard, he lived his life well. But I do regret that I never told him how much he mattered to me. As I write this I am considering who else I should thank for being a good guide—especially among those I don’t talk to much as they have faded from my life.
Who would you regret not telling?
Provision
If you’ve read Authentically Elisa this year, a common theme you might have noticed is moving away from the weight of holding it all, to trusting in Provision. When it comes to finding guides, you’ll see my tune hasn’t changed much. Faith is a component in finding guides.
When I needed guidance, God has provided enough for me. Some came from intentional friends, on a parallel journey. Or caring leaders, having matured in areas I hadn’t. Others came in podcasts and books, and others have been pastoral therapists. I’ve also had people who needed me as their own guide, but I was the one growing by walking their path alongside them. And in everything—every practice, healing revelation, or piece of wisdom I was given, the Spirit himself was there, leading the journey.
Counteracting the myths
I am not sure if you’ve had good guides yourself. Honestly, it is easier for me to see the gaps, where I didn’t have guides and mentors when I needed them. I’ve longed for some people to see me who never did. That hurt. It can shift my perspective on provision, or make me think there is no one to lead me.
Our trauma of neglect only tells one side of the story. And as you’ve read this, hearing me laud some great guides, you can see there are two sides to my own story. So come against the myth that there is no one for you, as there is someone for you. Or maybe I should say there are someones for you.
Here’s another myth: we only need one guide, one perfect mentor. Maybe that is because we’ve heard the “heros’ journey” stories, but even they often had more than one guide. Luke also had Obi-Wan, Harry also had Hagrid, and Moana also had Maui. It is often a combination of people who guide us in different ways—and some we might not even know personally.
What partial truths do you believe about finding guides that need to be reframed?
Finding guides
To an extent, finding guides is actually in our circle of influence. We aren’t just pushed by the tides. We can choose some of the spaces we are in or people we are around. Don’t sit around, feeling sorry for yourselves. Choose your guides.
Here are some ways to find guides:
Notice areas you want to grow in. Find someone in your life you admire in each of those areas and show up in their spaces—ask them questions.
Ask someone to mentor you. I’ve had friends do this and it worked for them! (It didn’t work when I tried it, but I don’t regret trying!)
Follow three people you want to be like closely online. Listen to their podcasts, comment on their posts. You might never personally know them, but you might learn a lot from them.
For example, LeadStories Media became an essential guide for me through a season when I needed to know how to be a woman leader in largely-male faith-based spaces.
Take advantage of actual mentoring, memberships and coaching you have to pay for. Sometimes, getting close to those you want to learn from is worth paying for. Each time I’ve done this, I was glad I did. They were probably the best investments in my life and much cheaper than another college degree!
Note from those of us who sell our services: as much as we would like to give away everything for free, we’ve frequently seen how little people actually value and prioritize free. In addition, believe it or not, we must make an income to keep providing services! If you pay your waitress, dentist, and plumber, it might also be worth paying guides who are worth modeling your life after.
Any nonprofits that pay employees (like churches organizations or social action groups) have ways to connect in smaller groups with people who are potential guides. Get in one of more of these groups and learn from the leaders.
Once or twice a year I start a Mentorship Circle, focused on empowering women who love Jesus to lead, teaching frameworks for discipleship. You can learn more and apply to be contacted when the next one begins here.
This is definitely not an exhaustive list, so please put in the comments other ways you’ve found good guides for yourself!
The many morals of the story
There is so much in this post, hopefully to guide you as you navigate having guides and being a guide to others. I’m going to sum it up again, like this is a tolerable high school essay: Appreciate the guides you’ve had before it is too late. Practice being a good guide to others by calling out other’s identity and living a life worth imitating. Recognize you need guides that care about both your spiritual and emotional transformation. Pray and trust in God’s provision to be your primary guide. And lastly, reframe your experience with guides and be proactive in finding who you need to help you grow.
Whew. Have fun with that!
Read more of the Wellbeing Series here: The Emotionally Healthy Toolbox, Impossibly Possible Gratitude, Rest the Privilege; Rest the Gift
Follow me on Instagram here @AuthenticallyElisa.
On Average Advocate this week: WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH MIGRANTS NEAR SAN DIEGO?